Vultures

As some of my friends know, I am into reading and writing poetry. I think that being a poet is one of my best suits. I’ve been a fan of Lang Leav’s works for more than 11 years now, and I still have some of her books with me that I acquired when I was in college. There is one particular piece that turned into my favorite as it seemed to be my life’s theme for the longest time. And yes, you guessed it right, it’s called “Vultures” and it goes like this:

We all have moments of darkness, moments when we are so unlike ourselves. And like vultures they wait for a slip, a misstep, then they take that part of us and try to convince the world that is all we are.

I struggled with my identity for a long time. And even when I am already a believer of Jesus, I would still have a lot of intrusive thoughts that block the identity given to me by my Creator. I am too far from perfect and I’ve made terrible choices in the past; I sinned a lot, I must say, and even after I’ve confessed those sins and turned my back on old habits, there were moments when I would question who I am because of what the world has labeled me. Sometimes the voice of the enemy is so loud that I begin to question my identity again. Am I really forgiven? Do I deserve His grace? Am I really called for something greater? Does Jesus really love me despite my past? While the enemy tries so hard to throw those intrusive thoughts at me, the Holy Spirit works double time. Once I allowed the Holy Spirit to really work on my thoughts, those voices started fading. I started believing in the life and the direction that God has chosen me to be in. The shame of my past and the fear of not being accepted by people are starting to disappear. I know for a fact that I only need to please the Lord and no one else. I was defined and categorized based on the things I did in the past, based on my sins and past mistakes, but Jesus says otherwise.

We often overlook the fact that the greatest characters in the Bible are also sinners who turned to God. They were forgiven and qualified by Him to be used for His plans and purpose. Moses was a murderer (as written in Exodus) who wanted to be killed by the Pharaoh but used by God to free His people and write His laws. David was anointed as a king, but he committed adultery (as in the book of Samuel). Nevertheless, he was called by God as the man after His own heart. You see, the world may see their sins as unforgivable, and they may never be qualified in the standards of men, yet God saw them, forgave them, and qualified them. They were defined by God’s plans and purpose, not by their past or sins. They were defined by how the Lord sees them and not the world. So again, don’t let those vultures define who you are. Turn to God, and He will show you who you’re meant to be.

I’m the Problem

Hey!

It’s been a while since I took the time to write anything on here. I am writing this after my daily devotion and felt the need to just spill my guts out. I was playing this song called ‘Prince of Peace’ by Hillsong UNITED on repeat but apparently, my mind and my heart right now aren’t at peace. I’ve been contemplating on the things that I did in the past (I know, they are in the past, but hear me out) and I feel like there is always a theme whenever I would have a fallout with a friend—it’s always a misinterpretation. Trust me, I’m not here to defend myself, I’m not one to do that. And maybe that’s why I’m almost always the one they blame when things like this happens, because I don’t defend myself. Trying to prove yourself takes up too much energy and time and I don’t have the luxury to do that, even in the past. I just let people think whatever they wanna think and say whatever they wanna say about me. I have this inside joke that if there will be a beauty pageant and I will have an award, I will be ‘Misinterpreted’ (you know what I mean). I know it’s not funny but yeah, sometimes I would call out myself and label myself with things that the people around me made me feel.

I hate it when I try so hard to be friends with anyone and just because they didn’t like something I did, or have hurt somebody unintentionally, they will cut me off. One moment they want me included in the group and in an instant, they don’t want anything to do with me. People are disappointing, me included. Me especially. I feel like I’ve been such a disappointment to a lot of people. There were certain expectations from me that I always fail to meet. Maybe this is the reason why I’m always that person who is not part of the group (even the group chat). I’m the problem, I’m the anti-hero (as Taylor Swift would put it). Yesterday, I was browsing through one of my socials and just looking through some interactions with a certain friend just to notice that he deleted all of his interactions with me. I was hurt and I was sad but I can’t blame him. I’ve hurt someone important to him and he was hurt too. To use his words for it, he felt betrayed. I know it’s hard to understand if I don’t give any details or backstory but let’s just leave them be. As I wrote on my journal—I am surrendering this to Jesus. They were hurt but I am also hurting. It’s not just them but who cares? People have a tendency to just focus on themselves and as much as I want to help them heal from the pain that I’ve caused, it doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t matter what I feel now, when they close the door for me, it’s shut and I can’t do anything about it even when I come knocking. We all handle pain and healing differently. Not because I mourn for the lost friendship doesn’t mean that they will feel the same. Not because I want this relationship be saved doesn’t mean they want it too.

In a world where my feelings are often invalidated, I just choose to write them here instead of blurting out to real people. Whether you guys read them or not, I am grateful that I have this outlet. That I can just write about anything without this platform thinking or throwing comments like, “you’re weird” or “I’ve gone through worse so you don’t have the right to feel that way.” I’m just human, I make mistakes, I apologize for my mistakes, learn from them, and aim to do better moving forward. I just wasn’t given the chance to make up for it most of the time. I guess being gracious to people doesn’t equate to people being gracious to me as well. Only Jesus can do that and I thank God He’s still putting up with my tantrums and imperfections. What do I do without Jesus in my life? 🥹

“Don’t Let Me Go”

A few years ago, I decided I won’t attend our church anymore. It wasn’t because I was moving to a different one—it was because I was hurting. There were a lot going on and a lot of he said she said that really hit my button. For those who know me, they know that my love language is words of affirmation. So, hearing so much words said about me that aren’t positive is a very formative experience. I did try letting them go, ignoring them, but I still tear up even to this day just thinking about it. Let me give you a brief background. Years ago, I’ve been appointed to lead the prayer ministry in our church. While it is an honor and a humbling experience, I was also in a lot of pressure because of the “standard” set by my predecessors. It was tough. I also had this “reputation” when I was just a budding Christian. There were made up stories that weren’t confirmed, they just believed the people who told them without hearing mine because they seem more “trustworthy”. Although, I’ve known this just recently and it all suddenly made sense. It made sense why almost nobody shows up at prayer meetings, it made sense why I feel like I wasn’t trusted, why I feel like everything I do for the ministry wasn’t enough. There will be times where the question, “what are the intercessors doing?” would surface whenever there is something unwanted happening to the church. I was shaking, I don’t have any idea how I would explain things because I’ve been praying for them. If only they would see it, if only they would join me on those prayer meetings, if only they would know my heart for the church at that time. Nobody knows, only few have seen. I felt blamed, I felt inadequate and I felt like I don’t qualify for the given role. I’ve been in so much pain that I decided to leave the ministry, to not lead. I made up excuses to justify why I should not be part of it anymore. I just let my church mates think of the worst of me because I was hurting so bad, I don’t want anything to do with it anymore. I left. Years past and I ended up with so many bad decisions in my life, wrong choices, accumulated mistakes, etc. But despite all of that, the only thing I kept with me is my heart to pray. I know I messed up. I know I was totally lost and I know that I got disconnected from most of my friends. Rather, I chose to be disconnected because I was so ashamed of my choices. Some of them even unfriended me both offline and online. I’m not mad at anyone, in fact, I understand why people chose to disconnect from me. But then despite all of these things that happened in my life, I held on to the only One who is constant. I remember just breaking down crying asking God not to let me go. That was my only prayer, “don’t let me go.” Don’t let me go because I don’t want to lose the only One who’s always been there for me. Don’t let me go because I know that people would. Don’t let me go because it’s too painful, it’s too much and I don’t know how to keep holding on. And Jesus was there, had always been there—not letting me go. He held my hand, wiped away my tears, showed me the people who really care and picked up the pieces of my broken spirit, heart and soul, and put them all back together. He reminded me that I have a Father in Heaven who’s willing to welcome me every single time, no questions asked, no judgments, no condemnation—just pure love. And of course, arms wide open to embrace and welcome me. He will never let go.

I am still a work in progress but hey, I am assured that I am not alone; I am not my reroutes and past mistakes. I am loved and accepted and most importantly, forgiven. So, if you’re reading this now and still feeling the pain, still breaking—reach out to the One. He will never let you go!