Vultures

As some of my friends know, I am into reading and writing poetry. I think that being a poet is one of my best suits. I’ve been a fan of Lang Leav’s works for more than 11 years now, and I still have some of her books with me that I acquired when I was in college. There is one particular piece that turned into my favorite as it seemed to be my life’s theme for the longest time. And yes, you guessed it right, it’s called “Vultures” and it goes like this:

We all have moments of darkness, moments when we are so unlike ourselves. And like vultures they wait for a slip, a misstep, then they take that part of us and try to convince the world that is all we are.

I struggled with my identity for a long time. And even when I am already a believer of Jesus, I would still have a lot of intrusive thoughts that block the identity given to me by my Creator. I am too far from perfect and I’ve made terrible choices in the past; I sinned a lot, I must say, and even after I’ve confessed those sins and turned my back on old habits, there were moments when I would question who I am because of what the world has labeled me. Sometimes the voice of the enemy is so loud that I begin to question my identity again. Am I really forgiven? Do I deserve His grace? Am I really called for something greater? Does Jesus really love me despite my past? While the enemy tries so hard to throw those intrusive thoughts at me, the Holy Spirit works double time. Once I allowed the Holy Spirit to really work on my thoughts, those voices started fading. I started believing in the life and the direction that God has chosen me to be in. The shame of my past and the fear of not being accepted by people are starting to disappear. I know for a fact that I only need to please the Lord and no one else. I was defined and categorized based on the things I did in the past, based on my sins and past mistakes, but Jesus says otherwise.

We often overlook the fact that the greatest characters in the Bible are also sinners who turned to God. They were forgiven and qualified by Him to be used for His plans and purpose. Moses was a murderer (as written in Exodus) who wanted to be killed by the Pharaoh but used by God to free His people and write His laws. David was anointed as a king, but he committed adultery (as in the book of Samuel). Nevertheless, he was called by God as the man after His own heart. You see, the world may see their sins as unforgivable, and they may never be qualified in the standards of men, yet God saw them, forgave them, and qualified them. They were defined by God’s plans and purpose, not by their past or sins. They were defined by how the Lord sees them and not the world. So again, don’t let those vultures define who you are. Turn to God, and He will show you who you’re meant to be.

“Don’t Let Me Go”

A few years ago, I decided I won’t attend our church anymore. It wasn’t because I was moving to a different one—it was because I was hurting. There were a lot going on and a lot of he said she said that really hit my button. For those who know me, they know that my love language is words of affirmation. So, hearing so much words said about me that aren’t positive is a very formative experience. I did try letting them go, ignoring them, but I still tear up even to this day just thinking about it. Let me give you a brief background. Years ago, I’ve been appointed to lead the prayer ministry in our church. While it is an honor and a humbling experience, I was also in a lot of pressure because of the “standard” set by my predecessors. It was tough. I also had this “reputation” when I was just a budding Christian. There were made up stories that weren’t confirmed, they just believed the people who told them without hearing mine because they seem more “trustworthy”. Although, I’ve known this just recently and it all suddenly made sense. It made sense why almost nobody shows up at prayer meetings, it made sense why I feel like I wasn’t trusted, why I feel like everything I do for the ministry wasn’t enough. There will be times where the question, “what are the intercessors doing?” would surface whenever there is something unwanted happening to the church. I was shaking, I don’t have any idea how I would explain things because I’ve been praying for them. If only they would see it, if only they would join me on those prayer meetings, if only they would know my heart for the church at that time. Nobody knows, only few have seen. I felt blamed, I felt inadequate and I felt like I don’t qualify for the given role. I’ve been in so much pain that I decided to leave the ministry, to not lead. I made up excuses to justify why I should not be part of it anymore. I just let my church mates think of the worst of me because I was hurting so bad, I don’t want anything to do with it anymore. I left. Years past and I ended up with so many bad decisions in my life, wrong choices, accumulated mistakes, etc. But despite all of that, the only thing I kept with me is my heart to pray. I know I messed up. I know I was totally lost and I know that I got disconnected from most of my friends. Rather, I chose to be disconnected because I was so ashamed of my choices. Some of them even unfriended me both offline and online. I’m not mad at anyone, in fact, I understand why people chose to disconnect from me. But then despite all of these things that happened in my life, I held on to the only One who is constant. I remember just breaking down crying asking God not to let me go. That was my only prayer, “don’t let me go.” Don’t let me go because I don’t want to lose the only One who’s always been there for me. Don’t let me go because I know that people would. Don’t let me go because it’s too painful, it’s too much and I don’t know how to keep holding on. And Jesus was there, had always been there—not letting me go. He held my hand, wiped away my tears, showed me the people who really care and picked up the pieces of my broken spirit, heart and soul, and put them all back together. He reminded me that I have a Father in Heaven who’s willing to welcome me every single time, no questions asked, no judgments, no condemnation—just pure love. And of course, arms wide open to embrace and welcome me. He will never let go.

I am still a work in progress but hey, I am assured that I am not alone; I am not my reroutes and past mistakes. I am loved and accepted and most importantly, forgiven. So, if you’re reading this now and still feeling the pain, still breaking—reach out to the One. He will never let you go!

When God Turned Your 0.015% Chance into 100%

Dear reader, I’m pretty sure my title doesn’t make sense to you. I mean, why would it? Let me break it down for you.

A month ago, last 7th of July 2023, Taylor Swift’s The Eras Tour concert in Singapore had opened it’s general ticket on sale. This was via Ticketmaster in Singapore. So what’s the big deal? (Apart from being it’s THE Taylor Swift) Well, Singapore is the only stop in South East Asia for the tour so the great war commenced when it was announced. 22 million fans registered on Ticketmaster to have a chance of getting tickets, yes, chance! 22M fighting over the 330k seating capacity of National Stadium for the whole 6 shows, hence the 0.015% on my title.

The email where I got the purchase code. 🫶🏻

Long story short, God turned that teeny tiny percentage into 100% because I was able to score 2 tickets!! If this was a movie, I felt like a main character. I’m going to the Eras Tour!! Gaaaah. I will never ever get tired of saying that. (Okay, I need to calm down.) I really prayed for it every night because I’ve been dreaming about attending her concert longer than not. I’ve been a Swiftie for 16 years now and I’ve been listening and supporting her music since I was 13! Yup, I’m a Swiftie since 2007 (her country, debut era); way before she was known in our country.

my actual queue

I know all too well that this isn’t the same as winning the lottery or something, but for me, this is the same feeling as winning a lottery. That very elating feeling of God answering your prayers even though you know it’s not something so important or life altering but God knows how much I wanted it so He gave it anyway. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine getting a ticket for the tour because of the demand. I literally cried when I was able to purchase that ticket especially when 65,782 people are in front of me in the queue. I felt like a very spoiled daughter at that time. I’d tell you, this is really the power of prayers, not luck or some good karma. Prayer works! During those prayer nights prior to the day of the ticket on-sale, my prayer is like a little child’s prayer, innocent and begging for her Father to give her something she knew is “unnecessary” but could really make her happy. It thus felt like the best day of my life!

The email confirming my ticket purchase!! 🩵

And here it is! I’m finally seeing Taylor live after 16 years. I know it’s not until next year but I’ve never been this excited about something in my life. And I’m so ready for it! It really hits different. Oh the joy of answered prayers! 🩵🩵🩵